6 Figure System

whatsitgonnabe says:

My husband is totally irresponsible when it comes to taking care of bills, cars, the house, etc…?
I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. He lost his $60,000/year job five years ago because it was outsourced, and he’s working making $11.50/hour now and won’t make a real effort to find a good job again. I have to push him EVERY day to look at the help wanted because we’re sinking really fast. He’s "just happy to be here". As a result, we don’t have enough $$ to pay bills, he got in an accident and didn’t pay the fine so his license was suspended and then it cost him twice as much to get it back, he was supposed to fill out a form for homeschooling for our son and didn’t, so Social services opened a file on us, just because he procrastinated, and that was a horrible experience (it’s closed now but his negligence caused it - and I trusted him because he said he’d do it - silly me!!) He has had his license suspended for not paying the car insurance (one time he didn’t even know it had been suspended until he applied for a job and they turned him down because his license was suspended - surprise!), and we’ve had to go without the car as a penalty because of it. I took over the bills, but he hides things on me now because he’ll "deal with them". Then it ends up costing us more! We have had to move every year for the past 3 years when our lease is up each time (we had to sell our house) because we can’t afford to live where we are. I work full-time AND part-time, but it’s not enough without him doing his share. He’ll do the work in the house like laundry, taking out the garbage and dishes (so everyone thinks he’s mr. wonderful and the perfect husband) but won’t check the oil in the car, let alone change it or put washer fluid in it) (he’s ruined 3 cars from that - i"m not kidding - my dad refuses to help him anymore w/vehicles because he’s done that so often), The bathroom sink has been plugged for a month and he won’t deal with it - the tub caulk is worn off and leaks onto the ceiling below if there’s too much water, and he won’t do that and the caulk is right by the tub). We are paying $1300/mo for rent, and can’t meet the rent every month so I’m constantly selling stuff on eBay; all my antiques (inherited from my mom who’s passed on) we’ve had to sell, and now I’m doing clothing! We never go on vacation (haven’t been in 5 years), to the movies (I cancelled cable), and rarely out to eat. He just goes to his little job and comes home and does the stuff I don’t have time to do because I’m working 2 jobs. I’m sick of it - esp. when he "throws" money out the window because he’s paying stuff late - we won’t talk about the hundreds of $$ he’s overdrawn the checking acct because he doesn’t write anything down. We used to have a fairly good marriage, and even tho he was irresponsible then, at least I had the money to pay bills and provide our family with food, clothes and an occasional luxury. Now I feel like we’re living this huge facade - everyone thinks everything is hunky dory because we live in a nice house (albeit rented) and drive a nice car and have good kids. They don’t know that I go to the food pantry monthly, buy clothes at Salvation Army, and that we’re constantly trying to play catch-up/russian roulette with the checking account. The creditors call nonstop; he hangs up on them, I try to pay at least $10 or set up a payment arrangement. I can’t take it anymore and asked him to move out today after it ended up costing him $175 for an $80 traffic ticket (money we desperately needed), but I’m putting this out there for feedback because I feel bad for my kids and don’t know what to do… I haven’t said anything to them yet, and he doesn’t want to leave, so I’ve got time to figure out a solution. Did I say he’s 58 and I’m only 48, married 20 years, and I can’t imagine going on like this for another 10 years? Don’t tell me he’s depressed because he’s very happy - sings in church choir, cantors, goes to the Y and works out with our son (I refuse to give up the Y membership - that’s my therapy, and our kids need it…), gets to watch movies w/the kids at home (DVD’s) while I’m working, sounds like a good life huh? It’s hell…Any suggestions please?

awommack says:

talk to him
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Just Some Girl says:

If, like you say, he was irresponsible years before but you always had the means to pay those late fees he incurred, then that’s just his personality, it seems. I can see your frustration with the situation. I don’t know if you do housework on top of your two jobs, but if you do, then I would suggest taking some of that pressure off of you and give it to him. He seems not to have problems with doing things around the house, but it’s the financial stuff that you can’t trust him with. And obviously you can’t trust him with the other typically "husband jobs" around the house (the car, caulking the tub)…so you might just have to take those on yourself. You said your father is unwilling to help HIM with changing the oil. Is he willing to help YOU? If you asked him, would he assist you with that chore? That way you have a functioning car and don’t have to beg your hubby to do it.

It sounds like right now you’re in Survival Mode. Even though it’s not fair that you should have to take on more duties with the finances and the things that he should be doing, you just have to do what you have to do in order to function.
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oh_jo123 says:

when a WOMAN is FED UP there is NOTHING a man can really do to make things better I say MOVE ON maybe a seperation would be good sounds like you can handle things on your own with the kids you have had to BUCKLE down and spend smart he should be made to as well.
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Bita says:

im a christian married woman that just went throught almost the same situation. I suggest family counceling. Not at your church find a Councelor that u dont know but that has good refrences. Its much easier to drop your guard with a councelor that is not your pastor. we took 3 months of counseling and we are still getting on out toes. we also had a financial adviser come over and give us some free advice and boy did it help. when your hubb sees all the bills layed out in front of him he will realize that he needs to step it up and if he doesnt then im sorry. How ever it is hard to get jobs out there and i understand that whole hes affraid of rejection thing but God willing u guys will be good soon. its better to get counseling now that u still love him than when its too late and you just want to smak him for all he put you and your kids through.
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crazyman23 says:

Let me give you my honest answer. I’m a man, and been in a serious relationship for 4 1/2 years. It may not seem like much in comparison to marriage, but it’s enough for me to actually understand your husband.

I think your husband feels emasculated. You have the pants in this relationship and he knows it. Its embarrassing, and more than that, it’s humiliating. I believe he thinks you do not respect him/admire him for that, and to avoid that painful reality, he pretends like he doesn’t care. How? by not caring about bills -cause- they’re not a big deal, and doing other nice things like spending time with his son.

He wants to earn your respect back, and feel like a MAN with you. That is the only way for him to feel like he deserves you, and for him to not feel insecure. If he does not feel like the man he will whither away, lose his pride and motivation in himself -and not look for a better job. And you WILL lose your husband to this stupid mental state of his and your inability to recognize it. I don’t want to insult you. You have done a great job at being a wife, and have gone above and beyond to show him that you are actually trying to make this work between you. However, what you are doing isn’t helping him, it’s only a short term solution to your problems. The more you do, the less he will do.

I know he’s overwhelmed and you being angry at him for this (though justified) only makes him feel like less of a man. I’m telling you, he will do EVERYTHING to not feel emasculated, and that includes not paying bills. What you can do is kick him out. Be honest with him rather than hide behind your anger - tell him he has disappointed you. Because its true isn’t it? Let him feel he could lose you because of his actions, and he will change.

Kicking him out might show him that. Don’t give him sex, not out of anger, but because you just don’t want to with such a lame, immature man. I don’t know, but you get the point. He needs to REALLY feel he’s about to lose you or he won’t change. That’s my best advice.

Best of luck to you. Remember that "girls wear skirts and guys wear pants." I don’t know that you would like it if he was being all emotional about about little things, getting more manicures than you, and talking in a high pitch voice. You know what I mean? Maybe it seems like a stupid idea, but I believe gender roles should be followed to keep one partner masculine and the other feminine.

Best of luck & congrats for being strong, now just get smart about it.
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Personal experience & counseling work